Author Topic: Friday Humour  (Read 37864 times)

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tugs53

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Friday Humour
« on: February 20, 2009, 07:49:48 »
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
MIKE

Footski

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2009, 14:03:33 »
Groan....groan.........Oh well they can only get better!!
Barry

Footski

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2009, 14:07:46 »
For example.....
A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lays the duck on the examination table the vet pulls out his
stethoscope and listens to the duck's chest for signs of life. After a few moments the vet shakes his head and turns to the woman
and says sadly, "I'm sorry but the duck has passed away." The distressed owner wails, "Are you sure?" "Yes of course I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replies. "How can you be so sure?" she protests. "I mean you haven't done any testing - he might be in a coma or omething."

The vet rolls his eyes and leaves the room. He returns with a black Labrador. As the duck's owner looks in amazement, the dog stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the duck from top to bottom.

He then looks at the vet and with sad eyes shakes his head.The vet pats the dog on the head and takes him out and returns a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumps up on the table and also sniffs the duck from its beak to its tail at the back end and back again.
The cat sits and shakes its head and meows softly, jumps down from the examination table and strolls out of the examination room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turns to his computer terminal and after hitting a few keys a bill is printed off, which he hands to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "450!" she cries."450 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugs. "If you had accepted my word for it, the bill would have been only 30. But with the lab report and the cat scan - it all adds up."

Barry

tugs53

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2009, 07:27:44 »
Gas Attack


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she cr.ps on you!"

Happy Friday ;D ;D
MIKE

Footski

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2009, 08:42:42 »
Mike,

Thats a cracker....Still wiping the tears away!!
Barry

tugs53

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2009, 18:26:32 »
Yup...I had a bit of fun with that one today at work.
Ran it past our Receptionist here at the Marina....who after a while, Did see the humour in it ::) ::)
Was a real 'Cracker' at the Pub though.........
MIKE

CGAux26

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2009, 19:22:54 »
Footski, your dead duck joke is at least a prolonged groaner; a 6 second blast of OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! :o
Dave

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2009, 07:57:18 »
Old men may walk slow BUT they think F A S T

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.  The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.  He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

Barry

thelongbuild

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2009, 11:28:12 »
Lipstick in School 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. 
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in a toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 
There are teachers ... And then there are educators.
Next Build M.S.C Volant after 1 other.

Footski

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2009, 00:06:50 »
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  Her car was covered with dents,
so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
 
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents  would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe. 
Nothing happened. 
 
So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. 
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
 
The roommate rolled her eyes and said,"Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first."
Barry

Footski

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2009, 00:21:19 »
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" asked the emergency room doctor.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide"' the blonde replied. "'What?"' sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants.
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

"So then?" asked the  doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened.
I'm not shooting  myself in the mouth."
 
 
"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise."  So I put my finger in my other ear
before  I pulled the trigger.

Barry

manxman

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #11 on: March 27, 2009, 04:48:34 »
Thats a cracker Barry
No matter which way you throw me - I'll always stand.

tugs53

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #12 on: March 27, 2009, 05:08:01 »
MIKE

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #13 on: April 11, 2009, 10:22:27 »
Okay now you all have to imagine that today is Friday!!!

ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICEMAN

A Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer stops at a ranch in Alberta and talks with an old rancher.  He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'  Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.  'See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I  wish..on any land.  No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do YOU Understand?
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!  Show him your badge ....!!!'

Barry

Footski

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Re: Friday Humour
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2009, 03:50:29 »
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50-feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
> Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

> The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?
 
 "My wife's."
 
 "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He enquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
 The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
 
 A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
 
 "May I borrow the dog?"
 
 The man replied, "Get in line."

Barry