Author Topic: i'll start it off!!!!  (Read 11264 times)

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tango

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i'll start it off!!!!
« on: December 10, 2007, 14:43:51 »
NEWS FLASH!!!!!!
St. Lukes hospice christmas panto for paranoid schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when someone shouted "he's behind you"
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.

tango

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2007, 14:20:06 »
Brit super model, Kate Moss, decides that she needs a bra and heads off to the city centre in search of one in her size.

She entered an upmarket department store and asked the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 26AAA-AAA bra?"

The sales assistant who is little stuck-up gave her a haughty “no” response, so Kate left the store and tried a designer boutique.   However, she is again rebuffed in pretty much the same manner by a snooty sales rep.  Becoming rather annoyed at this stage, she drives off to Asda.

Marching up to the sales assistant, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?" ;D ;D ;D

 
Mark.
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.

tango

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2007, 14:24:19 »
Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins
to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.

The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that
will take care of the problem."

The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we've too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem." ::)

Mark.

PS have you had enough yet!!!!
 
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.

tango

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2007, 14:30:35 »
Last one for a bit I promise ;)

Paddy and Seamus landed themselves jobs at the local sawmill.  Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin’ finger!!!"
"Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?"
"Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!" ;D ;D
 
Mark.
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.

tango

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2007, 14:50:45 »
That was a bit I think ??? ??? ??? so here goes;
 A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

 Mark.
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.

meechingman

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2007, 15:31:42 »
I'm surprised the Microsoft engineer didn't notice that the car regularly crashed, but only when indicating right and with Radio 2 on the stereo. Even then his repsonse would have been to reinstall the engine or replace the driver!

Andy
Admiral of the Haven Towage Fleet

thelongbuild

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2007, 02:19:24 »

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we've too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem." ::)

Mark.


Thats our I.T. Department to a T.
Next Build M.S.C Volant after 1 other.

Tug...Kenny

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2007, 15:06:15 »

A man started his new job at the zoo and was given three tasks. The first
was to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he did this a huge fish jumped
out and bit him. To show who was boss, the man beat it
to death with a spade. Realising his employer wouldn't be best pleased
he disposed of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he was
attacked by the chimps who pelted him with coconuts.
He swiped at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What could he
do? Feed them to the lions, he said to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurled the corpses into the lion enclosure and moved on to the last
job, which was to collect honey from the South American Bees.

Surprisingly, as soon as he started to do so he was attacked by the
bees. He grabbed the spade and smashed the bees to a pulp. By now he
knew what to do and threw them into the lion cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrived at the zoo. He wandered up to another
lion and asked, "What's the food like here?"

"Absolutely brilliant!" the other lion replied. " Today we had Fish and
Chimps with Mushy Bees."
 

Norry M

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2008, 15:06:40 »
    ...Hi Guys...

No Doubt I,ll upset the Christians or the Romans or some other Religious Sect, But here goes....

....What Song Did Jesus Sing After He Was Nailed On The Cross...???...






...Love Is All Around...









" I feel it in my Fingers,     I feel it in my Toes"


« Last Edit: January 15, 2008, 15:08:11 by Norry M »
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manxman

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2008, 21:32:11 »
Bless you my child - forgiveness is forthcoming ...
No matter which way you throw me - I'll always stand.

Footski

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2008, 05:35:45 »
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

 A large black man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.

' 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady,what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done, 'the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have *fun* with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop *fun*, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
 
'No Kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
Barry

TugMaster

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2008, 06:11:20 »
I know its difficult not to offend someone with jokes but pleeeeeeeeeeese keep them as unoffensive as poss, remember we are a family forum !

TugMaster
Ok, so I like a drop !

tango

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2008, 05:44:50 »
Two blondes walked into a building..................................

You would think one of them would have seen it ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.

tango

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2008, 06:01:14 »
Here are some more, sorry!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

 My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

 Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob"

My wife phoned me at home and she said, "I've got water in the carburettor." I said, "where's the car?" she said, "in the river."

 I went to see the doctor today,  And he said to me "can I help you?" and I said "Yes, I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away..." So he said "what do you want me to do?" and I said "break me arms".

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

My wife had a go at me last night She said "You'll drive me to my grave". "I had the car out in thirty seconds"

Mark.
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.

tango

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2008, 09:44:30 »
A bloke walks into an Indian restaraunt, sits down at a table and orders a curry. the waiter says "vindaloo"?? and the bloke replies "no I will eat it here"

Two women in a bath. One says "where's the soap"..... The other replies "yes it does doesn't it"

I'm sorry, Mark.
I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE JUST FOUND A 1000 WAYS THAT DON'T WORK.