Author Topic: i'll start it off!!!!  (Read 10655 times)

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TugMaster

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #30 on: August 21, 2008, 15:02:15 »
Don't forget yer coat Tango !

 ^-^
Ok, so I like a drop !

tugs53

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #31 on: August 29, 2008, 06:09:53 »
What kind of fish has no eyes, and what do you call it??

Fsh ;D

Well I thought it was funny :(  Had to be there I guess :D

MIKE

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #32 on: August 29, 2008, 07:00:31 »
Oh dear...Someone needs to go for a lie down in a dark cabin!!!
Barry

TugMaster

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #33 on: August 29, 2008, 14:15:06 »
Who is a penguin's favorite Aunt

Aunt Arctic

 :D

TugMaster
Ok, so I like a drop !

tugs53

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #34 on: August 29, 2008, 18:34:13 »
Good one there Skipper ;D
MIKE

bigford

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #35 on: September 21, 2008, 22:17:40 »
> a man ask's a clerk

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?' 
> The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you
> Polish?'
>   
> The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.  But
> let me ask you something. 
>
> If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
> was Italian? 
>   
> Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if
> I was German?

> Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
> was Jewish?

> Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was
> Mexican?  Would you?   Would you?'
>
> The clerk says, 'Well, no!'
>   
> 'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I
> was Irish?'
>   
> 'Well, I probably wouldn't!'
>   
> With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
> 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because
> I asked for Polish sausage?'
>   
> The clerk replies, 'Because you're in Home
> Depot.'
 
more boats then money

manxman

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #36 on: October 09, 2008, 10:28:26 »

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says,
'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!) 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 






No matter which way you throw me - I'll always stand.

tugs53

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2008, 07:32:00 »
'There once was a Schooner from Kent, who's mast was so long that it bent; to save some trouble they'd hoist the sails double, but instead of coming she went' ??? ??? ;D ;D

For those of you keeping track; this is a limerick :) :)
MIKE

tugs53

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #38 on: October 12, 2008, 09:00:19 »
Seeing as some of us were away, during 'Friday Humour'; check this out!! ;D ;D

  <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHSiqQpg7Uc" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHSiqQpg7Uc</a>
« Last Edit: October 12, 2008, 09:03:14 by tugs53 »
MIKE

Footski

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #39 on: October 12, 2008, 10:08:39 »
Excellent Mike, but don't plan any trips over the border till after the election..... >:D >:D
Barry

manxman

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #40 on: October 13, 2008, 08:10:42 »
Extract from Email, earlier to-day....


At Last, A Smart Blonde   


'Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. 
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year:

namely that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
'Hel-looooo!!' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... he hasn't called back.

Probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate MY intelligence again!'
   


Might try this one myself !

No matter which way you throw me - I'll always stand.

bigford

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #41 on: October 13, 2008, 08:32:24 »
more boats then money

tugs53

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #42 on: November 03, 2008, 07:29:45 »
>>> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!'


Cheers ;D
MIKE

Footski

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #43 on: November 03, 2008, 10:13:42 »
Very good Mike, now how about this one for our American brothers....

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across  Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go  in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer  president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the  same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no  longer president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and, again, just w alked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very  same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President  Bush.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and  said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to  speak to Mr. Bush.  I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the  president and no longer resides here.  Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand.  I  just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you  tomorrow.'
Barry

bigford

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Re: i'll start it off!!!!
« Reply #44 on: November 03, 2008, 18:06:21 »
barry
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :) :) ;D ;D ;D
i dont need to say any more ;D ;D ;D
more boats then money