Author Topic: SILLY QUICKIES  (Read 42671 times)

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fergus

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #30 on: February 26, 2010, 16:32:02 »
The wife comes into the living room where the husband is watching television.

Wife: "What's on the TV?"

Husband: "Dust"

That's when the fight started...

sea.mariner

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #31 on: June 22, 2010, 06:33:00 »
An  elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years   

He  had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he  fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach  trees. 

One  evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been  there for a while, and look it over.

He  grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.

As  he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with  glee.   

As  he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in  his pond. 

He  made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you  leave!' 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to  watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond  naked.' 

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the  alligator...' 

Some old men can still think fast.

 ;D ;D ;D

Regards, Dan.
Photos / Information, I nearly have them all !

Model Tug Man

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #32 on: June 22, 2010, 07:05:21 »
A man came home from work to find his wife in tears.
"Whatever happened" he asked?
"I burned the dinner" she wailed.
"That's ok dear. You didn't burn the beer."
VGJQ

Todd

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #33 on: June 24, 2010, 00:09:32 »

A Red Indian chief had three wives. To preserve order and give respect to their relative status, he provided each of them separate teepees, each having different sleeping arrangements. One wife slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and to recognise her importance the senior wife was given a very rare hippopotamus skin. He visited each tepee on a regular basis.

In time, all three wives became pregnant. The two more junior wives each had a baby boy. The senior wife, however, had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two’s hides.
BOOM   BOOM
Capt Jim

tugs53

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #34 on: June 24, 2010, 17:36:33 »
Had to read that one a few times ??? ??? ???...but I finally got it ;D ;D ;D ;D
MIKE

Model Tug Man

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #35 on: June 25, 2010, 03:10:47 »
Had to read that one a few times ??? ??? ???...but I finally got it ;D ;D ;D ;D

Thought you were an engineer. ???
VGJQ

C-10

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #36 on: June 25, 2010, 12:55:22 »
       ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
To my fellow old dogs....

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having  lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.


Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'..


You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 

Todd

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #37 on: October 31, 2010, 04:02:06 »
PRICELESS:

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
BOOM   BOOM

Jim
Capt Jim

mixerman

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #38 on: October 31, 2010, 09:03:49 »
On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt .........One button at a time. .........No one moves. .........Everyone is transfixed. .........He removes his shirt. .........Muscles ripple across his chest. ........She gasps...
He whispers, "Here ya go luv - iron this and then go get me a beer...."

tugs53

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #39 on: December 06, 2010, 09:27:21 »
This one, borrowed from another forum :o :o


The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens
he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in
the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '

All the men stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '

All the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '

Half the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests
and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.
MIKE

mike

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #40 on: December 22, 2010, 12:07:24 »
Paddy from Doncaster went line dancing - got killed by the 6:53 from Kings Cross

Mike
Le Caux Deux

donald.waller1

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #41 on: December 22, 2010, 12:58:57 »
Three Welshman were walking down a valley, they saw a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence, the first turned to the other two and said " Cor I wish that was MaDonna" the second said " I wish that was my missus" the third turned to the others and said " Never mind MaDonna or your Missus I wish it was DARK ".

modelboatbits

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #42 on: January 09, 2011, 10:28:20 »
I TOOK MY LOWGARTH TUG DOWN TO MY CLUB WATER WITH MY DOG TO
SEE IF IT HAD DEFROSTED,  IT HAD SO I SET SAIL MY BOAT

ALL OF A SUDDEN A VOICE SAID TO ME ' EXCUSE ME SIR '  BUT WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED A COMPLAINT THAT YOUR DOG HAS CHASED A LADY DOWN THE LANE ON A PUSHBIKE

I REPLIED  ' I DON'T THINK SO SIR MY DOG DOESN'T HAVE A PUSH BIKE ;D ;D ;D 
Pack up ya troubles in ya ol kit bag and
         " Smile,   Smile,   Smile "

Todd

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #43 on: March 06, 2011, 11:14:30 »
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white."

BOOM   BOOM

Capt Jim

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Re: SILLY QUICKIES
« Reply #44 on: March 08, 2011, 08:13:36 »
Good one, sir.

Does anyone know why brides wear white?

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You want your dishwasher to match your other appliances.

BOOM BOOM
VGJQ