Author Topic: Giving pills to a cat..  (Read 1395 times)

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Footski

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Giving pills to a cat..
« on: July 25, 2008, 06:02:09 »
Below is a copy of a letter I sent to my father last year after he had been having a few problems with his elderly cat...Names and addresses have been changed to protect the possibility that are innocent persons involved...

I am sorry it is a bit long but what the hell....Enjoy or not...


Mr & Mrs E Smith or Jones
26, Feline Road,
Felinestowe,
Manchester,

Dear Sir and Madam:
It has been brought to our attention that you tend to have problems administering medication in the form of tablets to your elderly feline friend. Do not worry. This is a problem we do find exists from time to time in our old and feeble pet owners.
The answer to your problem does exist. As your problem is largely based on your own inadequacies, brought about through age and probably too much drink, (particularly in the case of Mrs Smith), we pass this information to you free of charge. Simply follow the instructions below and all will be revealed.

1.   Pick up cat and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if you were holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.    Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. (Use of megaphone is handy for this).
6.   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growling sounds emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for later repair by eldest son.
8.   Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cats head just visible from beneath spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9.   Check label to ensure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a glass of water to take the taste away and apply bandage to spouses forearm. Remove blood stains from carpet.
10.   Retrieve cat from neighbours shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close the door on its neck, leaving the head poking out. Force mouth open with spoon and flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11.   Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for your last tetanus jab. Throw shirt away and get a new one from the wardrobe.
12.   Ring Fire brigade to recover cat from the tree over the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into the wall while avoiding the cat. Take the last pill from the foil wrap.
13.   Tie cats front paws to its rear ones with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty gloves from shed. Force cats mouth open with small trowel and push the pill into mouth followed by a large piece of cooked chicken. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14.   Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, removing the pill remnants from your right eye. On the way home stop by the furniture shop to order a new table.
15.   Arrange vet to make house call……..



Anonymous in Spain
Barry

tugs53

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Re: Giving pills to a cat..
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2008, 06:22:27 »
Too funny ;D ;D
MIKE